Sunday, June 29, 2014

Fear: Breaking the block part 2

Fear is a dichotomous emotion which can be good and bad in different circumstances. Fear can save a person from danger or stop someone from achieving greatness. Where one is afraid to take a risk, someone else dives in and reaps great benefits and profits. This brings in the question of intuition, which while interlinked with fear, is also two pronged itself, as it can stop one from doing something as it does not "feel" right or good. I believe that in life, everyone has opportunity, but the willingness and ability, as well as speed at which we grab these opportunities determines our outcomes. Where does hesitation come from? One theory will say it comes from doubt, and where does doubt come from? Another theory could say there is fear at the bottom of the chain. A lot of emotions are built on fear which stop people from achieving what they could achieve without fear. The cliché "fear of the unknown" is bigger than many imply when they say it. Many a time someone will say "I had an idea, concept or solution, but fear of the unknown stopped me from pursuing it. Fear at its best can save someone from losing a life, however, at its worst fear can have a grip on one's life that it can blind vision, kill dreams, destroy hope and put someone in a dungeon where they will not venture to anything at all. This is where fear becomes a liability more than an asset. Momentary fear is a good reminder for one to always assess a situation before making a decision, but permanent fear may become a hindrance to life itself.

My experience with fear
When I went for my drivers license road test 20 years ago, a part of the test involved reverse parking between obstacles (oil type drums were used). I would like to suggest that there is something called "fear transference", a phenomenon where before one experiences something personally, they are already scared and fearful due to fear transferred onto them by those who have gone before and have had a "bad experience" with a similar situation. This is something popular in human interactions as most people do not want to re-invent the wheel and will "consult" those who have been there or done that. These obstacles were notoriously known to be a difficult part of the road test, and so if you asked anyone about the road test, they would likely warn you about thart part, thereby instilling fear to the test taker which would come out during the test. Fear transference therefore occurred to me passively and I did not deal with that fear the test beforehand and sure enough, I hit the obstacles and failed. This further worsened and heightened my fear for the test, and I failed to recognize that root cause and deal with it. The next time I had to take the test, I had not dealt with my fear of drums and I hit them again. My behavior (driving test) was arrested by fear and I became paralyzed and fixed to a single outcome because I had not addressed something that was affecting my outcome. What another person could do with ease became a nightmare for me and I would feel a chill down my spine and a turn in my stomach just at the thought of  those drums. Needless to say I would be guilty of fear transference if someone was to consult me on this matter. Fear, though very intangible, produces very tangible and physical results in a person. One myth which I cannot say it truth says a dog can sense fear in someone and the dog will maximise on that fear by barking and growling even though it will not bite the person. So anyway, only on the third attempt, when I had overcome my fear of the drums through more practice and being very comfortable, did I go through successfully and get my license, and what a celebration ensued. I cannot count the endeavors I have only managed to overcome after dealing with fear first. As long as there is fear blocking the way, anything ventured is a mammoth task. I could not choose decidedly but I settled that my best antonym for fear, is faith and while fear goes with panic, concern, suspicion, anxiety and fright, faith goes with ease, calm, trust and assurance. Fear is the shadow of faith and as much as it is always present, do not make it president to rule you. Below are some of my favorite quotes on fear which I hope will help you as well.

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. - Nelson Mandela

I was never afraid of failure; for I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest.” - John Keats

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you - Eric Hoffer

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

Do one thing everyday that scares you - Eleanor Roosevelt

When you do what you fear most then you can do anything - Stephen Richards

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others - Marianne Williamson

Action point

How do you deal with your fears and how has fear shaped or constrained your life?

Image credit

39 comments:

  1. Hello Welli; thanks for another great post about fear and facing ours. we all need help to show courage on a daily basis. I thought it was something that you had two posts from ellenore roosevelt a woman known for her feistiness. I'm doing my best to step out in faith and encourage others to do the same. thanks again and take care, Max

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Max and I agree that you are definitely stepping out in a big way against all fears you may have. Push on and do what you do, you are inspiring others.

      Delete
  2. I have long loved that passed by Marianne Williamson. It is great way to put fear into perspective and face our own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I also love that quote Jacquie. Very well worded and the movie Coach Carter makes it resonate in my head many a times.

      Delete
  3. Hhhmmm...there is fear and then anxiety. For my drivers test, or any big moment in life, I have sure built up anxiety, but then that usually passed. I think we all get those butterflies in the gut moment that usually passes, but I see fear as something very deep and long term that can really cripple someone. Like never getting a promotion because of the fear to ask for it or not be good at the new job. Deciding not to move or take a trip somewhere because of the fear of being alone and someplace out of your regular environment. Great post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the way you analyze things. I see fear as a tree with many branches. I did have anxiety which degenerated into fear based on repetition of similar undesired outcome. Not sure whether fear leads to anxiety or anxiety leads to fear...chicken egg situation.

      Delete
  4. Hello Welli
    Fear needs to be overcome. I guess following Roosevelt's quote can help in this regard. Fear restricts our capabilities to achieve something which we could easily achieve had there been no fear inside us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Welli, I agree that we need to separate fears between those that protect us and those that simply inhibit us. For the latter, I try to harness the adrenaline for a useful outcome. Like others, I occasionally struggle to do so but in most cases it succeeds.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Welli - I really enjoy this quote by Nelsom Mandela - I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
    I am still looking to overcome one of mine - in all my life I have never once stayed alone overnight - isn't that odd? and that is one thing that I fear. I am going to hang onto that quote as a reminder to definitely conquer that fear if the time should come when I have no choice.
    Lenie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are fortunate not to have to worry about it for now. I do not have such a fear myself. How different we are when it comes to fear. My advise when staying overnight alone is to watch light TV shows, especially comedy and then sleep later so that you do not run out of sleep during the night. Also try to relax and not get nervous so that you can sleep through the night

      Delete
  7. When I read your fear of parallel parking I also had the fear. My fear was not being able to do and having to tell everyone that I couldn't pass that part of the test. That fear made me more determined to get it right. "fear is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined... " Today I try to deal with my fears and listen to my intuition.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your fear was exactly my fear Arleen, that of having to tell everyone that I failed. It was really more fear of failure. We have to deal with fear in our own different ways. Be it just getting to accept something and get comfortable to do it or being counseled by others that you can do it.

      Delete
  8. Is your worst experience of fear really when you were taking your drivers licence?

    The guys in the ANC really experienced fear before they came to power. Thabo Mbeki, Frank Chicane and Cyril Ramaphosa told me a lot of horrendous stories.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know exactly what you mean and smiled when I read your comment Catarina. I definitely have worse experiences but this one aligned more with the context I needed to get out. When you speak of those great men above I cannot even be listed with them for they definitely overcame fears I would not imagine being able to have to face.

      Delete
  9. Fantastic post Welli, and you've found us some really great quotes. I particularly liked Nelson Mandela's as well as "Do Something every day that scares you" Thankyou.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nice post about fear and overcoming it. My brother told me courage is not being without fear, but, accepting there is fear, but still keep going. This happened when we both were pre teens. I still remember it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am encouraged that what your brother said while you were teens has remained engraved in your mind to pull you through episodes of fear. It is true that we need some words to ring when we face fear and then we can overcome it.

      Delete
  11. Anxiety and fear can be crippling. It's how you deal with them that matters. Great quotes from wonderful sources, especially Nelson Mandela who, I am sure, experienced enough fear in his lifetime that we probably will never know about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed Laurie, the fear that Nelson Mandela faced is unparalleled and unimaginable for many and he overcame. Sometimes a bigger cause than yourself is a reason to overcome fear.

      Delete
  12. Hi Welli,
    Fear is such an important topic! As a trained counselor, I learned to use knowledge of my own fear to make choices that were not based in fear but out of other motivations. On good days I try to make decisions out of love. I find this helps me over come fear even if it is costly. My favorite quote about fear is that the opposite of joy is not sorrow, but fear. And like you said, faith often plays a huge role in that!
    -Sally

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sally. Yes you are right about the costs of choosing love over fear, but I would say it is worth it to go that route. You are fortunate to have deep experiences from your sessions on this matter which would help you as well to overcome your own fears.

      Delete
  13. Hi Welli, I have tried for a long time, not always successfully, to place myself out of my comfort zone and eliminate another house that fear may reside in. I like that fact that Eleanor Roosevelt agrees with me...or me with her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tim I think you have succeeded. The travels that you do and they forms of travel you choose are a very strong indicator of that. You have overcome fear and comfort zones.

      Delete
  14. Thank you for sharing Welli. As I grow older everyday, my greatest fear is actually growing old! I fear being alone and sick, of not having a place to stay, of not being able to be with my children because they would probably be with their families. Life is such a huge learning platform. Fear is one of the major subjects we need to learn and accept, and then overcome it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are real practical fears Eileen, but I believe your children would never leave you to be in such a state. I know that we do things differently here compared to you guys, but still who abandons a good mother? Be secure in knowing that you have family around and love around you and fear will dissipate.

      Delete
  15. Welli, such a great read. Looked forward to seeing how this would play out and you really brought up some great points. I especially find something in the quote by Richards. I've had a fear of heights for the longest time and hiking to the top of mountains and looking down has been my way to cope, though lately my fears have seemingly increased. Anyway, I really enjoyed this. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It seems you are not alone in having increased fear in your hiking endeavors and someone else said the same. I wonder why this is so, as logically one would expect experience to reduce fear. Maybe this is one area where fear does not make sense. Heights are always an issue for many. I can never imagine myself doing bungee jumping and I see no amount of counseling that can take away this fear.

      Delete
  16. Hi Welli,
    One of my favorite people is Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief.
    You can also understand much of his work in a nutshell in a YouTube video called The Biology of Perception. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyyLKoJ-iXw) Our perceptions control our behavior. Our nervous system is constantly interpreting the environment.Every moment, our beliefs alter our biology. Because cells cannot move in two directions at the same time, they EITHER move towards growth and reproduction OR away from toxins. Positive signals from our environment encourage growth. Negative signals are responsible for producing 95% of the cancers that are not genetic. Very simply stated, we either respond to and from LOVE or we react to FEAR.

    Kind Regards,
    Bill

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a very good presentation by Dr. Lipton Bill thanks. Someone once said we see things as we are not as they are. And I guess that is the same as what you say about perceptions. Thanks for that input Bill.

      Delete
  17. Thank you for your second great Post. We all have some fears which we learn to overcome. You mentioning your fear of parallel parking reminded me that I used to hate joining traffic on major Motorways esp. one called M25. It has taken me years to overcome that fright and realise that people on the motorway are aware of other's joining and usually slow down or change lanes. There is always a solution - we just need to believe in it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Driving is quite a big thing for some people and I no longer take it for granted that some people are not as comfortable as I am when they drive. Empathy helps to reduce fear in others

      Delete
  18. Welli whenever I start down the fear trial I do one of a couple of things. I might start praying for courage - that always helps. Or I think of the quote often attributed to the late Zig Ziglar, "Fear is nothing but - false evidence appearing real." Either option, I get out of the fear and into more positive feelings.

    Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm feeling stress just reading about parallel parking! It's still one of the examples of times in my life when I've been the most nervous. I think fear of failure is one of the most crippling for me, even now. I like the Keats quote, for that reason.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I used to have palpable performance anxiety as a teenager. What always amazed me was that I used to be fearless from the age of 8 (when I started taking piano lessons and participating in student recitals) until approximately the age of 14 when one day I took a really hard look at all of the strange faces in the audience and had a mini panic attack. That was the first time that I ever felt self-conscious in front of a crowd and irrationally convinced myself that I had something real to fear. I felt like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden after their eyes were "opened". It took me a few years to finally understand what made me so afraid. I was afraid that I would be judged and disparaged if I didn't give a perfect performance....and my adolescent mind had already jumped to the worst scenario that I was going to mess up and it was going to feel horrible to be rejected by the audience.

    I do believe that the only way to conquer your fears is to face them while actively countering any negative thoughts with positive, rational ones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The fear of messing up is a very horrible fear as it can spoil months of preparation with a bad presentation or performance. It always happens and one cannot help but feel sorry for a contestant. The nerves can be so unrelenting sometimes and crowds are so intimidating. That mental battle is where the performance is either great or terrible. You need to win the mental battle.

      Delete
  21. Fear has kept me from doing a lot of things I want to learn how to do because I am also a perfectionist. That can be quite the difficult combination. Thankfully, I also have a built-in "just do it" gene. My usual pattern is to hmm and haw a bit, but in general, I eventually take the plunge and conquer whatever it is I'm afraid of. The time it takes can vary on how daunting the task at hand may seem ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am thinking that being a perfectionist will either force you to put fear aside and as you say "just do it" and do it good, but on the other side, if you think you will not do it good, you will not do it. That gene you have is the best to sideline fear Jeri.

      Delete
  22. Your post points out how fear can cause us to focus so much of the object of our fear we can't help but run right into it! By the way, I remember reverse parking (usually called parallel parking in Manitoba) being the most feared part of the driving test and the thing that resulted in most of the teenage test failures.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Love this post. Fear is something I struggle with all the time. It's always so good to remember that everyone has it…!

    Love the quotes as well!
    Michele

    ReplyDelete